I've decided to run for President of the United Kingdom. Yes I know there isn't a vacancy but I'm proposing to have a chat with the Queen......maybe she would be happy to be the 'Monarch of the Glen' after I take office?
To revive interest in Westminster I propose bringing back public executions....starting with MPs who fiddled their expenses, then say past PMs & Business Secretaries. These events could be sold to TV & perhaps auctioned off.....I feel this could be bigger than Ben Hur.....& will probably solve our national debt problems.
At a local level.......I'd like to see the "Stocks" re built in all villages.........this could smarten up the performance of your local MP & would almost certainly ensure that MPs didnt seek a second term.
I'd abolish the House of Lords & replace with the "House of Comedians"
I want to make some real changes to the political landscape. Firstly I'm prepared to offer the three main parties each 50 seats. The total number of parlimentarians will be halved with the remaining seats offered to a wide range of independents. This will I imagine avoid a hung parliment.
I want to allow some sectors of the population extra votes......so if you live in rural GB you would get 2 votes, farmers who produce food will be given the right to have 3 votes. If you produce grass fed milk or beef this would allow you a further 3 votes i.e. 8 votes in total. This should even up the political power in GB.
I would halve the number of public servants in Year 1 & in Year 2. These fine people would be re allocated work to fix the pot holes in English roads. Starting with country roads & lanes.
This will keep them very busy (especially in rural England) at least until the economy improves. Once they have fixed the millions of pot holes they can start on broken drains & ragwort pulling. (This is part of my environmental manifesto....the photo below is of a broken water pipe in my county that has been in this state for months..lets assume the leak is flowing at 10 litres/minute then the losses of water amount to 14,400litres per day & over 400,000 per month.....outrageous in a world that has insufficient fresh water!)
All MPS would also serve in the armed services. This should reduce the number of armed conflicts our elected MPs vote for in the future.
My main Manifesto platform is to 'Ban Road Cones'......yes that's right.....those little orange critters are a public menace.....that come out onto the Motorways in England during the night. They apparently indicate that speed cameras are now in operation & also that the proposed roadworks haven't started yet & no one has any idea of when they will be completed! Once some Road Cones are out on the road they very successfully multiply out of control.....they have to be stopped!
Speed cameras would be eliminated immediately I took office.
I would replace all current motorcars with modernised Morris Minor & Austen Mini s.....this would regenerate British manufacturing & lower the Carbon Footprint.
While I'm ranting about my motorway policies.....I would ban all current drivers of black BMWs for life to make roads a much safer place for Dairy Consultants!
Aaaarh!.... What it is to be bored by endless hours on the motorway & listening to an extremely boring election. I was going to sort the airline business & food security but it seems the Icelandic volcano has beaten me to it. Mind you if I ever meet the bosses of the guys with the white paint brushes!!!??!??
If I haven't won you over yet I'm proposing that 'Joanna' succeed me (after I've gotten rid of the Road Cones.....in a succession plan.....you understand!