Importance of Apologies on Farms

I've invited a friend of mine from the Canadian & USA AgHR network (this network now includes Australia & New Zealand), Gregorio Billikopf who works at  University of California, Davis. to write this blog. Gregorio is an Internationally respected writer on Staff Relations & management of staff on farms. I really admire his work & this article on Apologies is a very good example of his expertise & sensitivity. Thank you Gregorio.

Gregorio Billikopf

Farm employers and others often ask me for help as a mediator. Most of us who studied agriculture never realized that we would end up spending so much time dealing with people rather than plants and animals. Today I want to share a few thoughts about apologies.

  We must first recognize our error before we can make things right. While never easy, it is even harder when such recognition requires a public acknowledgement—an apology—to those we have injured.

 It is not surprising that most of the apologies we hear are quasi-apologies at best, if not outright justifications and blame misdirected at the injured parties. We often hear such false expressions of regret such as “If you’re hurt, I’m sorry!” “I’m sorry, already!” And, “I am sorry, but ...”

 A true apology requires a great deal of humility and includes a sincere expression of regret, changed behavior and, when possible, restitution.

Some people attempt to make things right by changing behavior without openly recognizing mistakes. This partial effort at making things right is seldom enough.

 Even more difficult than public recognition of our mistake, is a willingness to hear, directly from the injured party, precisely how much pain we have caused. It is natural to wish we could shield ourselves from the discomfort of vicariously re-living these moments—and instead try and compensate in other ways.

   Nor can we decide that it is now time to be fully forgiven. This impatience again shows our lack of humility. Furthermore, we are making it harder for the person we have injured to heal—and ironically, extend the period of resentment they may have toward us.

 

Another ineffective apology is the empty expression of regret. That is, apologies which are not accompanied by a change in behavior. For example, in cases of domestic violence (physical, verbal or emotional) it is not uncommon for the aggressor to be contrite after beating his wife. By the next day, he may have begun to minimize the damage, start to blame her, and not long thereafter begin striking her again. Domestic violence is a very serious matter that requires professional help. As powerful as an apology can be, when an individual rescinds it by word or deed, it would have been better if no regrets had been offered.

 

All these shortcuts to a true apology are like building on a poor foundation. If we notice that the concrete foundation for the structure we are building is faulty, we can close our eyes and continue work at our own peril. As painful as it may seem, the sooner we recognize our mistake, make the necessary expenditures to break up and remove the concrete foundation, and start over, the better off we will be. Depending on how far into a project we are, this can be quite painful and expensive.

 

Part of the process of acknowledging we need to make alterations is to announce the change in behavior—in the form of a goal—which will help us improve our interpersonal approach. For example, if we have been extremely critical in the past, we can let people we offended know that we will try to get rid of that bad habit.

 The topic of forgiveness is just as complex. A person who cannot forgive and holds on to his pain suffers much more than the offending party. When we have forgiven we do not continually remind others of the offense. Some comments and deeds are so hurtful, however, that substantial time may have to transpire before we can be free of the associated pain.

 

Gregorio
University of California

gebillikopf@ucdavis.edu
  
Conflict Management & Interpersonal Mediation:
http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7conflict/ (English)
http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/agro-laboral/7conflicto/ (español)

Agricultural Labor Management & Worker Productivity:
http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/ (English)
http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/agro-laboral/ (español)

Take Good Care of Your Farming Mates!

Take Good Care of Your Mates!

This week on Twitter there was a Multi-Nation discussion and concern about “farmers being in dark places” as a result of stress.

Extreme weather events in many countries including Ireland, UK, West Australia and New Zealand are putting farmers under immense stress. Stress about money, feed availability and the costs of buying in expensive feed when pasture is not growing. 

Hell it’s tough!

Now is the time to take good care of your mates!

 Men go into their “Man Caves” and it’s a very dark place to be…..it’s a scary place for men to go. Men in “Man Caves” frighten women and stress farming families. Men under stress tend to shut down and stop talking. This is a huge concern to everyone. 

The farm’s “Magic Spot” is a lovely place to be with your family. “Magic Spots” on farms are not “Man Caves” Don’t get confused!

 Don't allow the farm to be your whole world!

Farming is an isolated profession. Farming can sap your every energy. However farming should never be your whole world. Farms and farming exist in a turbulent world. This is a world of climatic extremes, regular financial crisis and volatile world markets. Farms are always at risk but your life is about so much more than just the farm.

Don't allow the farm to be your whole world!

You are so much more!

Men can be farmers but they are also fathers, sons, husbands, friends, mates, lovers, laughers, jokesters and team players.

If a drought or prolonged cold or extreme wetness does seriously affect your farm you don’t want it bowling over your whole world. By saying that…… in no way am I underestimating the damaging impact of dryness (or cold or extreme wet) can have on a farm business.

However now that the rain has started (the sun has crept out) there are many critical decisions that will impact the speed of recovery. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Alison Fairleigh in Australia (one of my twitter friends) this week wrote in her blog http://talkingfairleigh.blogspot.com/

 

KEEPING A MATE SAFE (adapted from Rural Alive & Well)

Monitor your mate's behaviour: are they acting differently or strangely? Watch for the warning signs.

Alert: stay watchful. We all have bad days, however if your mate shows warning signs, they may be at risk of depression or suicide.

Talk to your mate. Ask the question: ''ARE YOU OK?'' The only way to check out if they are OK, is to ask!

Engage with your mate. Encourage them to take action, visit a doctor or call a telephone support line. Offer to get them some assistance. It may be all it takes to keep them safe.

You need to know what support services are available so you can EMPOWER YOUR MATE TO TAKE CONTROL!

Caring effective Farm Discussion Groups can be so supportive when farmers are going through a hell of a time. Now is the time NOT to miss your Discussion Group day. Go looking for workable solutions. Go so you realise that everyone else is struggling too & that you are NOT alone. Go so that you get off your own farm for a few hours. Go just for the laughter!

Take a neighbour or farming friend to your group meeting (even if it is only once). Introduce them to positive caring people in your group. Have a laugh together, talk about possible help the group might offer, talk solutions & next steps looking forward. Your group can help your district recover quicker.
If you are the facilitator don't allow the group to get into negative think and negative talk. Talk about the Rugby, AFL, Hurling, fishing and the Grand Prix as well as cow condition and pasture covers.

If you go to your Farm Discussion Group meeting and Bill isn’t there????…..ask if anyone else has seen Bill? Who spoke to Bill recently…..is he okay? Don't encourage drinking binges but go for a talk over tea or coffee.

If Andrea doesn’t show up either????…..has anyone rung her to see if she is okay? Take good care of your mates! 

When you get home…..ring Bill…..ring Andrea to make sure they are both okay! Don’t allow your mates to isolate themselves…it’s dangerous right now!

It’s important….Take good care of your Mates!

On a Pasture based Dairy Farm The Sky is Always Blue

The sky is always blue! This is NOT a reference to the lack of rain in Australia & New Zealand. The dairy industry is a place of optimism and opportunities. In every crisis there is both danger and opportunities. The key is to see the opportunity! Believe me the sky is always blue! Pasture based dairy farming is a place of optimism!

Every time I fly the sky is always blue! From the ground it may not seem to be. It’s easy to get pessimistic. Even as the aircraft takes off you are not absolutely sure. But it is always very reassuring to experience that joy of breaking through the clouds. Dark as the clouds might seem. The sky is always blue!  The sky is always blue is a glass half full attitude!

The Chinese symbol for crisis cleverly includes both danger and opportunity. Don’t dismiss the danger and the threats but look for the upside risk, the opportunities to learn, to make decisive moves and to benefit from a crisis.

The world seems to be having these extreme weather events. Remember the 2012 drought in the USA & Canada. 2012 delivered endless rain and mud in the UK, making pasture management a nightmare. The hot dry summer of 2013 in NZ & Australia is now creating desperate feed shortages on most dairy farms. Farmers have little control over these events but there impact can be massive.

There is a huge risk that these events can be very costly. Beware of over spending on feed. Rather look to minimise the losses. Few people make money during dry periods but many lose money. Think ahead. What are you going to do when it does rain? How can you recover quickly with no carry over costs e.g. under feeding calves so that heifers are under target weights…..these carry over costs can impact 2-3 seasons ahead.

These extreme events cause much farmer stress. Farming men often don’t deal with stress very well. Men tend to retreat into their “man caves”. They go quiet and are reluctant to talk out their concerns. Whereas women tend to choose a much healthier path & confide in friends about what’s worrying them. Women don’t really understand “man caves”. 

Women struggle with their men in “Man Caves”.

 Five-terrors-of-being-a-man

I’ve learnt that “man caves” stress everyone & rarely solve any problems. “Man caves” in fact stress women and are grossly unfair to families. Don’t go there!

Every Dairy Farm has a “Magic Spot”. Farmers are so lucky to have “Magic Spots” on their farms. Somewhere that is truly magical. Somewhere that is quiet and you can reflect on how lucky you really are to be a dairy farmer. Dairy Farmers need to Spend Time at the “Magic Spot” on their Farm. The farm’s “Magic Spot” is a lovely place to be with your family. “Magic Spots” on farms are not “Man Caves” Don’t get confused!

Farming is an isolated profession. Farming can sap your every energy. However farming should never be your whole world. Men can be farmers but they are also fathers, sons, husbands, friends, mates, lovers, laughers, jokesters and team players. If a drought or floods seriously affect your farm you don’t want it bowling over your whole world. By saying that…… in no way am I underestimating the damaging impact of dryness or flooding can have on a farm business. 

Ask for help! Asking for help is a manly thing not a sign of weakness. Recognise if your man needs help.

It’s time to go to the beach. It’s time to go swimming with your children. It’s time or organise a game of beach volleyball with your Discussion Group. It’s time to watch the Kiwis give England a hiding in the Cricket Test Series. It’s time to take a break!