I've invited a friend of mine from the Canadian & USA AgHR network (this network now includes Australia & New Zealand), Gregorio Billikopf who works at University of California, Davis. to write this blog. Gregorio is an Internationally respected writer on Staff Relations & management of staff on farms. I really admire his work & this article on Apologies is a very good example of his expertise & sensitivity. Thank you Gregorio.
Gregorio
Billikopf
Farm
employers and others often ask me for help as a mediator. Most of us who
studied agriculture never realized that we would end up spending so much time
dealing with people rather than plants and animals. Today I want to share a few
thoughts about apologies.
We must
first recognize our error before we can make things right. While never easy, it
is even harder when such recognition requires a public acknowledgement—an
apology—to those we have injured.
It is not
surprising that most of the apologies we hear are quasi-apologies at best, if
not outright justifications and blame misdirected at the injured parties. We
often hear such false expressions of regret such as “If you’re hurt, I’m
sorry!” “I’m sorry, already!” And, “I am sorry, but ...”
A true
apology requires a great deal of humility and includes a sincere expression of
regret, changed behavior and, when possible, restitution.
Some people
attempt to make things right by changing behavior without openly recognizing
mistakes. This partial effort at making things right is seldom enough.
Even more
difficult than public recognition of our mistake, is a willingness to hear,
directly from the injured party, precisely how much pain we have caused. It is
natural to wish we could shield ourselves from the discomfort of vicariously
re-living these moments—and instead try and compensate in other ways.
Nor can we
decide that it is now time to be fully forgiven. This impatience again shows
our lack of humility. Furthermore, we are making it harder for the person we
have injured to heal—and ironically, extend the period of resentment they may
have toward us.
Another
ineffective apology is the empty expression of regret. That is, apologies which
are not accompanied by a change in behavior. For example, in cases of domestic
violence (physical, verbal or emotional) it is not uncommon for the aggressor
to be contrite after beating his wife. By the next day, he may have begun to
minimize the damage, start to blame her, and not long thereafter begin striking
her again. Domestic violence is a very serious matter that requires
professional help. As powerful as an apology can be, when an individual
rescinds it by word or deed, it would have been better if no regrets had been
offered.
All these
shortcuts to a true apology are like building on a poor foundation. If we
notice that the concrete foundation for the structure we are building is
faulty, we can close our eyes and continue work at our own peril. As painful as
it may seem, the sooner we recognize our mistake, make the necessary
expenditures to break up and remove the concrete foundation, and start over,
the better off we will be. Depending on how far into a project we are, this can
be quite painful and expensive.
Part of the
process of acknowledging we need to make alterations is to announce the change
in behavior—in the form of a goal—which will help us improve our interpersonal
approach. For example, if we have been extremely critical in the past, we can
let people we offended know that we will try to get rid of that bad habit.
The topic
of forgiveness is just as complex. A person who cannot forgive and holds on to
his pain suffers much more than the offending party. When we have forgiven we
do not continually remind others of the offense. Some comments and deeds are so
hurtful, however, that substantial time may have to transpire before we can be
free of the associated pain.
Gregorio
University of California
I've invited a friend of mine from the Canadian & USA AgHR network (this network now includes Australia & New Zealand), Gregorio Billikopf who works at University of California, Davis. to write this blog. Gregorio is an Internationally respected writer on Staff Relations & management of staff on farms. I really admire his work & this article on Apologies is a very good example of his expertise & sensitivity. Thank you Gregorio.
